Trichotillomania. How He Got My Attention
I pull out my eyelashes.
I don’t know the exact day it started, what I was doing or thinking to trigger it but it happened in January 2018. To be honest, I still don’t realize when I do it but I am more aware of the “why” behind it.
My first experience with this was in the 5th grade but I didn’t have to think about how to stop, I just did. This time has been different, I haven’t been able to stop so of course I decided to talk to Dr. Google about what was going on. Long story short, Trichotillomania (Trich) is a disorder on the obsessive-compulsive spectrum which involves pulling out one's hair…aka I have control issues. Having the internet tell me that I have control issues was a shock to me (not really) because I’ve always considered myself to be a chill person. Once again, I needed the wisdom from a professional therefore I called my momma. After giving her the lowdown of what was going on, she proceeded to inform me of other ways I exhibited symptoms of OCD since I was a child; no lie, this time I was truly shocked. How can I not see me? Why am I just now realizing this at 34 years old?
At this point, I’m slightly defeated because like I’ve said, I’m a chill person and none of this makes sense. I had more questions. I needed better answers. So I did what I should’ve done from jump - I sat with my Father, my Creator. This is where I really learned about me.
He showed me how I have always found a way to do what I wanted. For those that don’t know me, I use to have a “if I want it, I’m going to get it” mentality. That may sound good for the grind and hustle but I was using it for my own selfish, fleshly desires…straight up. He showed me things from the past and the very recent present that I knew to stop doing or back off from but instead I proceeded anyway. One of the most important takeaways out of that whole encounter was when He made it very clear that I wouldn’t simply get through it this time because He was calling me to overcome it.
To you, that may sound harsh. It may even seem unlike Him. But this is the same God who saved me from myself when I was suicidal so I KNOW that’s how He handles me. His conviction and correction was Him calling me to get up because I’ve stayed at this mountain for too long. I’ve passively asked for Him to help me get through things but now He was commanding me to aggressively overcome it.
I’ve worked through the shame. I’m working through feeling embarrassed. Honestly, I don’t have a choice about that - putting on false lashes stresses me out. Besides, there are many people who can’t hide their battles. So I’ve decided it’s time to stop hiding mine.
Can you relate to any of this? Are you currently struggling with an old thing but on different level? Is there an internal battle making an external appearance? More questions than answers?
I encourage you to sit with Him. Talk less. Hear more.
He has a lot to say.